Back on the second date. In addition to knowing who initiated the second date, I would be curious why that person wanted to go out again, since neither seemed very enthused after the first date. I think this may give some insight as to why the relationship was complicated and didn't last?
Earlier in the story, Jeremy lists the things that remind him of Nica (messy kitchen, rubbing lotion on his hands). This seems a little thin? After the first date, Jeremy tells Nica he likes her laugh. Maybe one of the things he remembers is watching a comedy they both liked and hearing her laugh? Or remembering an inside joke they both shared and hearing her laugh?
Jeremy mentions Nica was both incredibly freeing and confining. He loved her deeply and resented her deeply. Could some examples be provide? Or will this unfold as the story progresses?
I really like the revision too… looking back in the past to tell the story. One thing that jumped out at me though was the time lines.
I’m guessing the story is being told in modern day, and Jeremy and Nica met 40 years ago? After Jeremy and Nicas first date, they texted each other. Would texting have been around at that time? Maybe adding the year they met, or some kind of time line would help?
Awesome revision here! I already feel so much more invested in the story with the new introduction, and having it be framed from the future looking back on the past is a trope I personally am a sucker for. It's a smaller rework, but I really do think it adds depth to the story-especially since you know they don't end up together. It's like rewinding a video of a train wreck and watching it in slow motion, with the ability to commentate on it from a vantage point where you aren't actively in the train wreck. Overall, I'm enjoying the story much more-looking forward to next week!
I thought of a couple more things...
Back on the second date. In addition to knowing who initiated the second date, I would be curious why that person wanted to go out again, since neither seemed very enthused after the first date. I think this may give some insight as to why the relationship was complicated and didn't last?
Earlier in the story, Jeremy lists the things that remind him of Nica (messy kitchen, rubbing lotion on his hands). This seems a little thin? After the first date, Jeremy tells Nica he likes her laugh. Maybe one of the things he remembers is watching a comedy they both liked and hearing her laugh? Or remembering an inside joke they both shared and hearing her laugh?
Jeremy mentions Nica was both incredibly freeing and confining. He loved her deeply and resented her deeply. Could some examples be provide? Or will this unfold as the story progresses?
I really like the revision too… looking back in the past to tell the story. One thing that jumped out at me though was the time lines.
I’m guessing the story is being told in modern day, and Jeremy and Nica met 40 years ago? After Jeremy and Nicas first date, they texted each other. Would texting have been around at that time? Maybe adding the year they met, or some kind of time line would help?
what fandom is this is this on wattpad? you should get wattpad and publish it on there
Awesome revision here! I already feel so much more invested in the story with the new introduction, and having it be framed from the future looking back on the past is a trope I personally am a sucker for. It's a smaller rework, but I really do think it adds depth to the story-especially since you know they don't end up together. It's like rewinding a video of a train wreck and watching it in slow motion, with the ability to commentate on it from a vantage point where you aren't actively in the train wreck. Overall, I'm enjoying the story much more-looking forward to next week!