I just noticed one more thing related to the time line of the story. The last paragraph, Nica is talking to someone through a bluetooth connection of her car. Would this technology have been around at that time?
The start of the second paragraph starts out a little choppy... maybe flip the wording around a bit? "About three months into our relationship, I was in Nica's apartment and we were just beginning..."
This may not be a grammar thing, but I noticed Number Five in the paragraph beginning "Her birth family consisted of seven kids... " is capitalized. Should number five be lower case?
Also, the thing with Nica not respecting Jeremy's time. Maybe explore more of how it makes Jeremy feel? Like he doesn't matter to her? He is in some ways losing trust in her? He could be sacrificing relationships with friends because he is always waiting on her and can't make plans?
Only two things I think I want to say here in terms of criticism. Otherwise I enjoyed the deeper peek into their relationship.
"I guess not all people who smirk are emotionally intelligent." So is this referring to Jeremy? He mentioned that the two women in his life were/did, but there was nothing to say that he was smirking as well. It reads like it was him who did though? I know he realized his mistake in front of Nica, but it doesn't quite make sense unless it is mentioned that he smirks too.
"Then we would laugh at the notion of two white people so brazenly using oppressed people of color to win a lovers quarrel." I would probably delete this line. I know you didn't mean anything by it, and were probably trying to poke fun at white people, but it comes off as two white people using people of color as a joke! Maybe tweak it a little?
I just noticed one more thing related to the time line of the story. The last paragraph, Nica is talking to someone through a bluetooth connection of her car. Would this technology have been around at that time?
The start of the second paragraph starts out a little choppy... maybe flip the wording around a bit? "About three months into our relationship, I was in Nica's apartment and we were just beginning..."
This may not be a grammar thing, but I noticed Number Five in the paragraph beginning "Her birth family consisted of seven kids... " is capitalized. Should number five be lower case?
Also, the thing with Nica not respecting Jeremy's time. Maybe explore more of how it makes Jeremy feel? Like he doesn't matter to her? He is in some ways losing trust in her? He could be sacrificing relationships with friends because he is always waiting on her and can't make plans?
Only two things I think I want to say here in terms of criticism. Otherwise I enjoyed the deeper peek into their relationship.
"I guess not all people who smirk are emotionally intelligent." So is this referring to Jeremy? He mentioned that the two women in his life were/did, but there was nothing to say that he was smirking as well. It reads like it was him who did though? I know he realized his mistake in front of Nica, but it doesn't quite make sense unless it is mentioned that he smirks too.
"Then we would laugh at the notion of two white people so brazenly using oppressed people of color to win a lovers quarrel." I would probably delete this line. I know you didn't mean anything by it, and were probably trying to poke fun at white people, but it comes off as two white people using people of color as a joke! Maybe tweak it a little?
Looking forward to the next installation!