The paragraph that begins "Everyone has shit - " ... I'm wondering if this could be reworded to begin the sentence with "I learned long before I met Nica everyone has shit." Then go on with the examples of not knowing the trauma everyone carries but keeps hidden to the outside world.
The paragraph on Anna Karenina is a little confusing. I don't know if the Tolstoy example adds a lot of value? Just as each person has their shit, each family has their shit. Some families may be better at hiding it than other families. We learn from what we see in our family of origin. If your family doesn't hug or show a lot of affection toward one another, it may be difficult for you to show your emotions to your partner or spouse.
Also, the transition from Jeremy's inner discussion of dysfunctional families and personal trauma and then back to his mother in the car feels a little disjointed? Maybe compress the discussion of dysfunctional families and personal trauma, and then go back to his mother and his family life?
I really like the how you explore Jeremy's home life though and the dynamic between him and his mother. The sentence "It made us close in a way that they would take note of, a hint of admiration mixed with jealousy...". I'm guessing this is the way Jeremy's siblings and father feel toward his relationship with their mother, but it's not quite clear.
I think another way to look at the power dynamic between spouses or partners when one loves the other more, is that the other person may be "settling", thinking they may not meet another person who cares for them so they should grab this opportunity when they have it. It would be interesting to know why Jeremy's mother stayed with his father? Since she has been drinking some wine, he may be able to get some of those answers from her :)
This may be nit picky, but I don’t think of Niles as close to K’zoo. I think of it as more on the border with Indiana, close to South Bend, or Elkhart.
The second and third paragraphs seem a little choppy. Could these two paragraphs be combined since they are related to same subject when Jeremy’s mother is talking to him?
"You do mother ...you see your life as a movie with you as the star." I would add a comma after you, because the first phrase reads as an action towards the mother...if you see what I mean. I had to rerea that one!
On the subject of Jeremy and his mother, I am a little confused. I like the dynamic they currently have, but the impression of her from her introduction at the beginning of the chapter as a more passive, fearful woman contrasts with her personality when she banters with Jeremy later on as a cynical, unafraid woman. It isn't quite two sides of the same person, and instead feels like she is two separate people. And maybe this is just me, but I don't understand how her marrying his father fits into God's plan? If she doesn't quite love him and is very aware of that fact, why did it happen? I am probably just missing something, but it isn't super clear to me.
I also think it would be interesting to see the dynamic he has with his mother explored more. I feel like she could have an underhanded manipulative side to their relationship because she knows Jeremy adores her. Excited to see how that plays out on Jeremy!
The paragraph that begins "Everyone has shit - " ... I'm wondering if this could be reworded to begin the sentence with "I learned long before I met Nica everyone has shit." Then go on with the examples of not knowing the trauma everyone carries but keeps hidden to the outside world.
The paragraph on Anna Karenina is a little confusing. I don't know if the Tolstoy example adds a lot of value? Just as each person has their shit, each family has their shit. Some families may be better at hiding it than other families. We learn from what we see in our family of origin. If your family doesn't hug or show a lot of affection toward one another, it may be difficult for you to show your emotions to your partner or spouse.
Also, the transition from Jeremy's inner discussion of dysfunctional families and personal trauma and then back to his mother in the car feels a little disjointed? Maybe compress the discussion of dysfunctional families and personal trauma, and then go back to his mother and his family life?
I really like the how you explore Jeremy's home life though and the dynamic between him and his mother. The sentence "It made us close in a way that they would take note of, a hint of admiration mixed with jealousy...". I'm guessing this is the way Jeremy's siblings and father feel toward his relationship with their mother, but it's not quite clear.
I think another way to look at the power dynamic between spouses or partners when one loves the other more, is that the other person may be "settling", thinking they may not meet another person who cares for them so they should grab this opportunity when they have it. It would be interesting to know why Jeremy's mother stayed with his father? Since she has been drinking some wine, he may be able to get some of those answers from her :)
This may be nit picky, but I don’t think of Niles as close to K’zoo. I think of it as more on the border with Indiana, close to South Bend, or Elkhart.
The second and third paragraphs seem a little choppy. Could these two paragraphs be combined since they are related to same subject when Jeremy’s mother is talking to him?
So a grammatical things first:
"You do mother ...you see your life as a movie with you as the star." I would add a comma after you, because the first phrase reads as an action towards the mother...if you see what I mean. I had to rerea that one!
On the subject of Jeremy and his mother, I am a little confused. I like the dynamic they currently have, but the impression of her from her introduction at the beginning of the chapter as a more passive, fearful woman contrasts with her personality when she banters with Jeremy later on as a cynical, unafraid woman. It isn't quite two sides of the same person, and instead feels like she is two separate people. And maybe this is just me, but I don't understand how her marrying his father fits into God's plan? If she doesn't quite love him and is very aware of that fact, why did it happen? I am probably just missing something, but it isn't super clear to me.
I also think it would be interesting to see the dynamic he has with his mother explored more. I feel like she could have an underhanded manipulative side to their relationship because she knows Jeremy adores her. Excited to see how that plays out on Jeremy!